Grandparents’ guide: why your birth story still shapes your family’s experience of birth
"Every family carries birth stories. The question isn’t whether they’re told — it’s how they’re told that shapes the confidence of the people hearing them." - Jilly Clarke, Grandparent Antenatal expert, founder of CubCare
Birth stories don’t just describe what happened. They shape how the next generation feels about birth before it even begins. When stories are shared without context or reflection, they can unintentionally pass down fear. When they’re shared with care and awareness, they can build confidence, trust and emotional safety.
Why do grandparents’ birth stories still matter today?
When you’ve given birth yourself, the memories don’t disappear with time. They stay vivid in particular ways — the smell of the ward, the tone of a midwife’s voice, the moment you felt reassured or dismissed. You carry those impressions long after the stitches heal, long after that baby grows up.
So when your son or daughter begins preparing for birth, your own story often stirs again. Details you haven’t thought about for decades resurface. Feelings you never fully processed come closer to the surface.
What many grandparents don’t realise is that the way you talk about your own birth experience can quietly shape how your family feels about theirs. The comments made in passing. The pause before responding. The look on your face when certain choices are mentioned.
In short:
Grandparents’ birth stories influence family attitudes toward birth by shaping expectations, emotional tone and perceived safety — often without anyone realising it.
Your story doesn’t just sit in the past.
It enters the room with you.
How pregnancy memories and birth stories overlap across generations
Birth stories don’t sit in isolation. The way you remember pregnancy itself — how your body felt, how your worries were handled, how much support you had — often feeds directly into how you remember the birth.
For many grandparents, pregnancy and birth are emotionally intertwined. That’s why birth memories can feel especially powerful when your child becomes pregnant. The story isn’t just about one day — it’s about months of vulnerability, uncertainty and adaptation that came before it.
Recognising this overlap makes it easier to notice which feelings belong to your own experience — and which don’t need to be passed on.
You may also find it helpful to read: Grandparents’ guide: how your pregnancy memories shape the next generation
How do grandparents’ birth stories influence modern birth choices?
Research into emotional memory shows that highly charged experiences are stored more strongly in the brain, making them easier to recall later in life. When grandparents retell birth stories, they often re-share the emotional state of that experience — not just the facts.
Pregnant listeners absorb that emotional tone. It can influence stress levels, confidence and expectations around labour long before birth begins.
There is strong evidence that fear and stress in labour are associated with hormonal changes that can increase pain perception and make labour harder to manage, which can increase the likelihood of intervention. So, while it can feel like you’re simply sharing “how it was”, your story is also shaping how birth feels for them now.
Most people were never given language or support to process their births at the time. Understanding this connection gives you the opportunity to change what gets passed down.
How fear-based birth stories affect labour preparation
Fear-centred birth stories can:
• increase anxiety during pregnancy
• raise stress hormone levels
• reduce confidence in the body
• increase perceived pain during labour
• be associated with higher intervention rates
Why do many grandparents carry unresolved birth trauma?
Many grandparents gave birth in systems where choice was limited or absent. You may have been told to lie flat, to stay quiet, or to accept decisions without explanation. You may have been rushed, left alone, or separated from your baby.
Those experiences were common.
But common does not mean easy.
Because birth trauma wasn’t widely named or understood at the time, many people absorbed these experiences as “just how it was” and carried on. Until their child becomes pregnant — and something shifts.
Pregnancy and birth experiences are held in long-term emotional memory, so it’s common for old feelings to resurface when your child prepares for birth. The brain recognises familiar patterns and reactivates those pathways as a way of keeping you safe — even when you’re not the one going through it this time.
Becoming aware of that response makes it easier to support your child from the present moment, rather than from unresolved parts of your own story.
How should grandparents talk about their birth experiences?
You don’t need to stay silent about your experience.
But how you share it matters.
Grandparents can share birth stories more safely by:
• giving context before detail
• separating past systems from present care
• sharing reflection rather than warning
• asking permission before telling the story
• focusing on learning, not prediction
Every family carries birth stories. They’re shared over cups of tea, in hospital corridors, in moments meant to reassure. The impact doesn’t come from the facts themselves — it comes from the tone, the timing, and the emotional weight carried with them. When stories are shared with awareness, they steady the people listening. When they’re shared without reflection, they can quietly undermine confidence, even when reassurance was the intention.
Can grandparents’ birth stories affect future generations?
Yes. When birth stories are repeated without reflection, they can become inherited fear — shaping family beliefs about safety, risk and control in birth.
When grandparents bring awareness to how they speak about birth, that pattern can stop.
You show your family that:
• understanding matters
• preparation matters
• autonomy matters
This isn’t about rewriting history.
It’s about giving the next generation permission to write their own story without carrying the weight of yours.
How does grandparent support influence birth experiences?
Supportive grandparents help create a calmer emotional environment around birth. When grandparents understand modern maternity care and share their experiences thoughtfully, expectant parents feel steadier, less anxious and more supported.
When you tell your story with care, you don’t lose it.
You change how it lives on.
Your son or daughter doesn’t need to manage your reactions or protect you from their choices. They can come to you openly.
And when the baby arrives — however the birth unfolds — they’ll remember that you were the person who helped them feel supported, not scared.
That’s the difference between repeating a pattern and changing it.
Learn more about how birth stories shape families
If you’d like to understand more about how experiences ripple through generations — and how to support your family through pregnancy and birth with empathy and knowledge — the CubCare Grandparents Course explores this in depth.
It covers:
• how maternity care has changed
• how emotional experiences affect birth and recovery
• how grandparents can support without overstepping
• how to be a calm, steady presence at a formative time
Explore the CubCare Grandparents Course
