Grandparents’ guide: how your pregnancy memories shape your family’s experience today
"Old memories don’t return to trouble us; they return because the nervous system recognises something familiar and wants to keep us safe. The challenge for grandparents is noticing that response — and making sure it isn’t handed to the next generation as fear.." - Jilly Clarke, Grandparent Antenatal expert, founder of CubCare
Every family carries unspoken stories about pregnancy — the things that happened, the things that weren’t talked about, and the things that were simply accepted because no one knew another way.
When your child becomes pregnant, those stories rise to the surface. Not because you choose to revisit them, but because your body and mind recognise the moment. And unless we understand how those old experiences shape our reactions, they can quietly affect the next generation without us ever meaning them to.
By noticing the influence your pregnancy story still carries, you can learn how to share it in a way that strengthens, rather than unsettles, the people you love.
Why your pregnancy memories still matter, as a Grandparent-to-be
Memories of pregnancy don’t fade just because the years have passed. I'm sure you've been caught off guard many times over the year, suddenly transported back to a particular memory from pregnancy.
The comments you heard, the symptoms you worried about, the appointments that left you reassured — or dismissed — all stay with you. They become part of the story you carry into grandparenthood.
And when your son or daughter becomes pregnant, those memories wake up again. The joy, the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the things you wished someone had explained — they all sit just beneath the surface.
Many grandparents are surprised by how strongly these emotions return. But it makes sense: pregnancy is one of the most emotionally charged periods of life, and the brain stores those memories, so they seem like they were yesterday.
The difficulty is that pregnancy care today looks nothing like it did decades ago.
So the memories that feel instinctively protective to you can feel unintentionally worrying to them.
This isn’t about blaming the past.
It’s about recognising how powerful it still is — and using that awareness to support the next generation rather than shaping their fears.
How pregnancy memories carry forward into the present
Research into emotional memory shows that intense experiences are stored differently in the brain. We tend to retain the emotional core of the event with great clarity, even if the surrounding details become less precise over time (Bisby et al., 2020). That’s why you can still recall the feeling in your body during a particular appointment — the tone of the midwife, the moment you didn’t feel heard — even if other parts of the pregnancy have softened around the edges.
When you talk about pregnancy now, you’re not just describing events.
You’re transmitting the emotion that sits behind them — and your child absorbs that tone long before they absorb the facts.
A worried retelling makes their body tighten.
A dismissive comment makes them second-guess their instincts.
A story of not being listened to can plant fear about their own care.
None of this is intentional. Most grandparents share their stories with love — a protective warning, a gentle “be careful,” a hope that their family avoids what they endured.
But without framing, those memories don’t only inform.
They shape.
What pregnancy used to feel like for you — and why it matters now as you prepare to become a grandparent
Many grandparents experienced pregnancy in a culture where symptoms were minimised, mental health wasn’t discussed, and questions were discouraged. Information was limited, and most people simply accepted whatever they were told.
You might have heard:
“Everyone feels like that.”
“It’s normal.”
“Trust us — we’ll tell you if something is wrong.”
And you probably accepted those answers because there wasn’t an alternative. No internet. Much less opportunity to access independent antenatal education. No language around anxiety, boundaries or informed choice.
Today’s maternity system is more medicalised, more protocol-driven and more pressured — which means your child’s preparation has to look different from yours.
Understanding that difference is the first step in being the kind of support they need.
How to share pregnancy memories without passing down fear
Your stories matter. How you share them is what makes the difference.
Give context before detail
“Pregnancy care was very different then. We didn’t get much information, so I didn’t always understand what was happening.”
Name the system, not the person
Instead of: “I was terrified something was wrong.”
Try: “I didn’t have the support to understand what was happening — I’m glad you do.”
Offer reflection, not warning
Avoid: “Watch out — that happened to me.”
Try: “That was a difficult moment for me, and I’m really glad maternity care and education have moved on.”
Ask before sharing
Some people want to hear everything. Others prefer space. Both are valid.
Remember emotional tone carries more weight than content
If you share with tension, they feel tension.
If you share with steadiness, they feel steadiness.
You’re not rewriting your story — just handing it over gently.
When pregnancy trauma sits beneath the surface
Many grandparents carry memories that were never named as trauma: loss, frightening symptoms, feeling dismissed, or carrying anxiety alone. At the time, there often wasn’t space to process those experiences — so they were folded away as “just how it was.”
Pregnancy experiences are held in long-term emotional memory, so it’s common for old feelings to resurface when your child is pregnant. The brain recognises the similarities and reactivates those pathways as a way of keeping you safe — even when you’re not the one going through it this time.
Old memories don’t return to trouble us; they return because the nervous system recognises something familiar and wants to keep us safe. The challenge for grandparents is noticing that response — and making sure it isn’t handed to the next generation as fear.
Being aware of that response can change the whole dynamic. When you understand why certain emotions suddenly feel sharp again, it becomes easier to separate your own story from theirs — and to offer support that’s grounded in the present, not shaped by the past.
What happens when grandparents bring awareness, not assumptions
When grandparents share their memories with awareness, the whole atmosphere shifts. Your son or daughter can feel the difference: you’re not handing them your story to carry, you’re creating space for their own. They feel steadier, more able to make decisions, and more able to come back to you without fear of judgement. That’s the foundation of real intergenerational support — not matching experiences, or trying to trump their experience with yours, but listening, understanding, and letting their journey stand on its own.
Learn more about how your experiences support the next generation of parents.
If you want to understand how pregnancy and birth experiences ripple through families — and how to support without passing down fear — the CubCare Grandparents Course explores this in depth.
It explains how maternity care has changed, why today’s system feels so different, what new parents actually need from grandparents, and how your presence can strengthen confidence from pregnancy to postpartum.
Explore the CubCare Grandparents Course
